Check out my new cooking blog :)

http://kaidenskitchen.blogspot.com/

I never knew how beautiful the Poconos were! I drove up to Budd Lake with my friend (just friends ma!!) Marc yesterday to visit our other friend Jonathan ("the good Jon"). We then went over to this place called Hot Dog Johnny's for lunch and then Marc mentioned outlets and me being the girl I am said, "outlets only thirty minute further? can we go?" and apparently we ended up in Pennsylvania at the outlets in the Poconos. Best outlets EVER. Wish I actually had money, but I still had fun just window shopping and getting an idea for my birthday outfit! It was nice just getting out of town for the day, or out of the state for that matter. Being able to say I was a complete state away from John was like a relief. I'm starting to notice how little I desire to be anywhere near him anymore, and just Monday for the first time ever, I told him not to come over. I wasn't busy, I didn't have other plans. I just plain wanted nothing to do with him. And if he's going to continuously blow off his son to sit home and drink and play video games, then I don't feel guilty telling him he can't come. He's giving up the privilege to have a relationship with his son, and the opportunity to be a man and take care of his responsibilities. I am sad for Kaiden, I am. And I truely hope John comes around one day, before its too late. Because one day IT WILL be too late. I don't think he realizes that.

Me and John broke up, but I don't really care.

We have mediation for child support custody and visitation in like two weeks.

Here's Kaiden :)

Isn't he so silly??

so i know every doctor in the united states of america says BABIES CANNOT SLEEP ON THEIR BELLIES but that is the only way my son likes to sleep, otherwise he's a fussy cranky who will not go to sleep, what am i to do? he is just too cute. p.s. take note he officially has a little bear friend he likes to snuggle (another big no-no huh?)

The love I have for my son is something I could never put into words. He is my life, my absolute everything. I could never imagine a day without seeing his face, and holding him close, and telling him how much I love him. I don't understand how anyone could go any amount of time willingly without seeing their child every second that they can. Today is a sad day for me. I am sad because as it seems things aren't turning out the way I hoped, but instead the way I expected. The way everyone assumed things would. What a bad day, good thing the sun is shining, and I have my baby's smile to cheer me up.

my baby looks delicious in cloth diapers <3

My C Section

I haven't blogged much in the past three weeks and I'm not sure if its because I truly have just been busy or because I still don't want to face what is my birthing story. Giving birth to my son was one of the craziest most intense challenges I have had to endure and I am still dealing with the after shock and trying to pick up the pieces. It all started on May 24th I was 6 days overdue and had another doctors appointment. I got to the doctor and felt like I could not breath at all. I told the nurse and they hooked me up to the non stress test machine to monitor the baby's heart rate and to see if I was having any contractions. I had already been dilated 1.5 centimeters for about two weeks and I just had a feeling today was going to be the day they sent me to the hospital. Low and behold the doctors said the baby's heart rate had dropped for about 5 minutes and it was time to go to the hospital. I called my mom and told her to meet us there (she forgot my suitcase!) and to call my sister (and my brother who then called my grandmother we had a party at the hospital). I got to the hospital and this is where the fun began. The doctor told me to get right to the hospital because she wanted me hooked right back up to the monitors and that she would call them and let them know I was coming. We got there and waited about 15 minutes for someone to finally bring me up to the floor (mind you the doctors office was about 25 minutes away so my baby has now gone about 40 minutes unmonitored)I get my gorgeous hospital gown on and get into bed. The incompetent nurse then says that she needs to take blood, sticks me about eight times in one arm and three times in the other and there was enough blood on the floor to fill about three vials but that was just the beginning. THEN she says she needs to hook me up to an IV and again begins the finding a vein game (you think she would have found the right spot when she took the blood but oh no!). I wasn't really feeling much pain but they told me if I didn't get the epidural now I pretty much couldn't get it (I'm never getting one ever again) and my stupid self listened and so they kicked every one out of the room (have I mentioned how much I HATE needles never mind one going into my SPINE) and its just me, the incompetent nurse and this little 5 foot man that hardly spoke English and looked EXACTLY like the guy that popped out of the trunk in The Hangover. It took him 4 tries and 30 minutes of me bent over my big belly killing my back to have him successfully screwup my epidural. But we wont figure this out until about 2am when the contractions really start to roll and I am feeling every single thing including the head coming down onto a cervix thats only dilated 7 centimeters. My sons head is 14 inches in diameter. You do the math. It just wasn't happening. Next thing I know, I'm getting told I need to have a c section, that I can get another epidural or be put to sleep. This is after me and the nurse arguing for about an hour about getting another epidural to ease the pain and to push along the labor. I just couldn't do it. So thats it. They knocked me out and thirty minutes later I am getting woken up by nasty nurse number 3? To ask me if John was indeed the father, after I had just told them before they put me under that he was. Then they left me, in a dark room, all by myself in complete disarray and agonizing pain. Screaming for somebody to please help me. The whole experience was not what a birth is supposed to be. Giving birth is supposed to be this amazing experience. I waited 9 month, 40 weeks for my moment to shine and I got it taken away from me. I didn't get to meet my son for an entire hour after he was born. And the first day he was born I couldn't even get up and pick him up while he was crying, I had to have someone hand him to me. This whole c section thing has really messed me up and I am very much going through a grieving process dealing with it all. It was very disheartening to have a child this way and I pray to god I don't ever have to do it again and if I do I'm not even sure I could do it again. I feel so sad about the whole thing, yes I am grateful god let my child live and let me live and made sure we were both physically healthy, but mentally this has taken a big toll on me. I think about all the celebrities and moms that have elective c sections and I just don't get WHY you would want that. A C section is a major surgery and I don't think I will ever be back to normal, why would I do this to myself on purpose. I always thought before now that they elected to have c sections as the easy way out, but if you ask me, not that I have experience in a natural birth but that seems way easier, that seems way more well, natural. I know this is something that is going to take me a long time to heal in many way, I just feel to impatient to wait.

Baby's First Day at the Beach :)

I guess its safe to say my baby is wayyy cute.

I have dried spit up in my hair. Gross.

I have a list of things to do today, including the ever growing laundry pile, Kaiden's dresser of clothes looks like a disaster zone, my sheets have an ounce of spit up crusted on and my room is filthy. Oh and I think I have run out of clean underwear. I have bottles to wash, a baby to bathe, and so many other things. Luckily I finally got a decent nights sleep, decent meaning i got one four hour uninterrupted stretch, add a little iced coffee and I'll be ready to go. This mom thing is pretty crazy, but I am having fun.

Macys Fashion Director

Macys Fashion Director: "

I love this outfit - check it out!

a whole weekend wardrobe. :)

A sleeping baby means finally a chance to blog. Yes a baby. I finally had him.

Kaiden Eric Born May 25th 2010 at 6AM after about 15 hours of labor and a last minute emergency C-Section at 9lbs and 7oz.

It has been a crazy week and a half and it's so surreal to finally meet my little boy. He is the cutest baby I have EVER seen and I have never been so in love. My favorite moments with him is in the morning when I wake up and see his cute little face everyday.

Still pregnant, this kid just does not wanna come out and play! Tomorrow I have yet ANOTHER doctors appointment, another NST and a decision of whether I will be induced on Tuesday night or Wednesday. At my appointment on Thursday, my doctor did a membrane sweep, but it didn't really do much. I've been losing hunks of my mucous plug (TMI I KNOW) and bleeding from it but nothing more. No contractions, or BH just uncomfortable pressure on BOTH ends (tall baby?) heart burn and an AWFUL backache. Hey,little guy, it's time to come out mommy daddy and all our friends and family want to meet you. And EVERYONE wants to know your name. :)

So my due date has come and gone and still no baby. I am MISERABLE. I am irritable and uncomfortable and soooo over it. I have turned into the crank of the century and everything and everyone seems to be getting on my last nerve. I feel terrible for being so cranky but I really just can't help it. I haven't been sleeping, and I have an achy back and I just can't help it I can't I am trying but I just can't. I have a doctors appointment today at 12:10 and they will be doing a non-stress test and we will talk to the doctor about when I am going to be induced (tomorrow would be good). Hopefully there will be some good news today. My bags are packed and I am ready to go. Ugh.

The end is near, supposedly... I'm worn out, and achy and just all over, completely and entirely done with this whole pregnant thing. I am 39 weeks as of Monday and i don"t think we will even be finishing this week. Just so everyone knows though, my mind has not come to terms with what comes at the end of this pregnancy. I know their is a baby in my belly, but no matter how many times I say it, the words I am going to be a MOM are just not sinking in. Mom? what is this MOM word people have been mention? I know I have a mom, an awesome mom. I know my sister is a mom. And my mom has a mom. But me? A mom? really? No way. It's not possible. I don't get it. Owell, time to get over it, because their is very little time left.

This morning I went to the annual mother's day brunch with my mom and my sister and all the other woman in my immediate family. It's always fun every year (granted I have never been more uncomfortable in my life1) and it's just a great way to bond. Afterwards me and my mom and my sister and my brother all went to the holmdel commons. We had some last minute things we had to pick up from ulta and bestbuy. I still have to straighten up my room and pack my bag, but everyone else is ready. John has a bag packed, the baby has his take home outfit ready, and we have a name picked out (even just in case it is a girl) but I am not prepared, mentally or physically. I am procrastinating even though I really shouldn't because guess what? I feel like crap, and I have since last night. I can't stand up for more then a few minutes, and its unbearable to walk, and my mom seems to be under the impression that this is beginning of labor (like she's done this before or something!?) So maybe no would be the best time to get all of these things out of the way. Well that's all for now, and I am can almost guarantee the next time I post I will be a MOM. See ya then!!

36 week appointment today! Where did the time go? I have 4 weeks left! Give or take some days. I'm really excited. :) I have been having alot of cramping lately, feels like I'm about to get my period some days. Everyone tells me thats normal, and the doctor said that its the cervix starting to thin out.

This past weekend (with help from John, Mom and Scott) I got my room organized, laundry somewhat done, and carpet shampooed all for little ******. Oh sorry we picked a name but I just can't tell anyone :) You can try and guess though, who-ever guesses right wins a prize! They get to spend the entire day with the baby when he gets here! Ahahha.

Today was kind of a lazy day. I woke up at like 20 after 10 because I just could not sleep last night in that hot heat. I got more done in my room and folded brochures for my mom. Then around 1:30 I went over John's and spent some time with him. We grabbed some lunch and then he came with me to the grocery store to help me pick out some steaks for dinner. I dropped him off at work at like 4 and then came home, watched some Judge Judy and made dinner. I made london broil and potatoes on the grill and some coleslaw from a bag. The london broil and potatoes games out excelent. The London Broil was a little under done but I though it was delicious. Definitely got my daily requirement of iron!! I am so stuffed. I think tonight I am going to go through all the baby clothes that are actually in my room and sort out all of the 0-3 months stuff and then pack everything else up into the attic.

This weekend is my baby shower and I am soooooo excited!

Today I went and played with Mckenna again with John. It was HIS idea to go down. I barely got to hold her! He was being a baby hog! :) I did get to feed her though, and then we changed a diaper together. I keep reminding him that shes not going to break (it was enough to get him to change her onsie by himself!!) and it made him realize it's not that scary.

He was also talking about how much he wanted to live with baby, which I completely understand and I typed up a budget to show him to see that we could probably move in by September with money saved up and that I could start work part time (15-20hrs) in October and take a few classes! I hope if I show him the numbers it'll show him that it's possible. Oh the stress of babies and money and only being 20. God only gives you what you can handle, right?

I'm 34 Weeks tomorrow. HOLY COW!? Where did the time go? Baby is running out of room for sure. My ribs on the left side are actually sore. I bet he's going to be tall like his Daddy. Mom got a crib (no mattress) and a changing table that is beautiful for a AMAZING price. It's used and looks like it's in MINT condition.

My attention span is to short. I'm done for now. GOODBYE!

I FINALLY FINISHED MY REGISTRY!

Babies"R"Us - Baby Registry


Not that it matters because I already have a ton of things for my little boy. But if anyone is curious here ya go. :)

So yesterday was tuesday and every tuesday after school I go to John/Chelsea's and make dinner or help make dinner and we watch the child birth DVD and then watch 16&preggo (yes the boys watch with us, and enjoy it). Last night though the show hit home a little and boy was I near tears. The girl lost her father years ago and she was speaking with her mom about how'd she'd give anything to have him there, to experience everything with her. It reminded me of how much I'd give anything to have my brother here and I ended up thinking about him the rest of the night, which ended up equalling NO sleep what so ever. But I'll survive. I know if Eric was here I probably wouldn't be pregnant. Or maybe I would. Only god knows. I do know that I would give anything to be able to tell Eric I'm pregnant. To see the look on his face (the are you effing kidding me look) and to hear what he would have to say about all of it (nothing nice i'm sure). I do know he would still support me and I know he would still love me, just as much as the rest of my family. It just makes me sad that I can't share this experience with him at all. My son will never meet his Uncle Eric, and my brother Eric will never get to meet my little boy. Its the hardest thing for me to think about, and more often then not just put it to the back of my mind so I don't have to hurt as much. I feel guilty that I do not think about Eric as much as I should. But when I do it just hurts. So I try really hard not to. Sometimes its hard, other times it easy.

i love Babies!

She kinda looks like John, is this a preview of what my baby might look like?

(with blue eyes and blonde hair of course though)
Today I'm at the real estate office working with my mom, bored as heck. I haven't really had the motivation or time to update my blog. I'm always to tired or busy. I'm 33 weeks as of today (7 weeks to go) and let me tell you, BOY am I over it! My sister-in-law (for all intense purposes) Jenn finally had HER little girl and it's making me itch to have this baby even sooner. I got to go play mommy all day yesterday and I loved every minute of it (even the crying and screaming and poopy diapers). I know it'll be different with my son, i'll be ten times more exhausted and i wont get to give him back and go home at the end of the day, but I'm still very excited. I love babies. And I KNOW I'm going to be infatuated with mine. :) John on the other hand is starting to worry me a little. His mom MADE him hold little Mckenna. It's like he's scared of her or something. Hardly goes near her or me for that matter when I'm holding her. Will that be different when it's his own son? He told me he had a dream that he picked up our baby and broke his back. I told him that he probably will have a hundred more dreams just like that until the baby comes and even worse ones when the baby is here, that he's just nervous. I have NO idea what to do.

Thursday, I got snowed in the house all day with my mom. We went through all the baby clothes and separated them into size and then put them in the attic and it has cleared up a lot of space in my room. Now I just need to clean off the weebly wobbly book case so I can take it out of my room.

Yesterday, after a bit of snow in the morning I escaped the house to go hang out with Chelsea and John at Chelsea's house. We all sat around in our PJs all day (everyone's work was canceled) and had a snow day together. And then for dinner we all went to the diner and got a ton of food(I'm pretty sure my waiter thought we were nuts). Afterwards we went back to the house and hung out. The boys played video games and me and Chelsea were doing everything we could think of to try and annoy them (that's what girls are for). It was a fun relaxing day. I hope everyone else had a fun snow day too.

Today I will be hanging out with Chelsea in the morning, for some desperately needed girl time. Then I hope to come home, work on my room some more and then around 4 John and all his roommates and I are going to a show that his roommate RJ is performing at. Hope it's not too loud for baby.

I'm anemic, oh no! Hopefully after taking more vitamins though I'll get everything back to normal, but that definitely explains why I am ALWAYS so tired, and why I had been getting light headed. This is what I found on my what to expect website:

Anemia is never fun — it takes away your lovely pregnancy glow, making you pale, extremely weak, easily tired or breathless, and can sometimes even lead to fainting. Don't want to go there? Here's a simple four-step plan you can follow to keep your iron pumped up:

Four Steps to Avoiding Anemia

Step 1: Take an iron supplement.
Although there are plenty of ways to get iron from the foods you eat, it's always good to have extra insurance when it comes to this vital nutrient. Taking a 30 to 50 mg iron supplement during the crucial second half of your pregnancy will ensure that you're getting what you and your baby need. (If your practitioner notes that your iron stores are particularly low, he or she may recommend a higher dosage supplement.) Remember that this supplement should be taken in addition to your prenatal vitamins. Be certain to talk to your practitioner about the best time of day to take your vitamin so it's not hard on your tummy; there are also different kinds of iron supplements to try (some are slow release) if they're giving you digestive unrest.

Step 2: Eat yer spinach!
Popeye said a mouthful — a mouthful you should consider, too. If spinach isn't appealing (though think out of the can here — you can also serve spinach up fresh in a salad with sliced strawberries, wilted under seared fish or grilled meat, or sautéed with pasta and cheese), there are lots of other iron-rich foods you can pump your diet up with, including lean beef or buffalo, duck, sardines, cooked clams, oysters, mussels, and shrimp, cooked dried beans, edamame and other soy products, oat bran, barley, dried fruit, Jerusalem artichokes, and seaweed.

Step 3. Keep your caffeine down.
Caffeine may perk you up, but it dashes the effects of iron. If you wash down that iron-rich steak with a cola (or that bag of trail mix with a coffee), you're reducing the amount of iron that gets absorbed into your system.

Step 4. Let vitamin C work in your favor.
Vitamin C is iron's best bud (apart from Popeye), since it's well known to improve iron absorption. So take a glass of OJ with that iron supplement, a side of red pepper with those shrimp, or some fresh strawberries in your oat bran cereal.

Maybe I'll start glowing now! I'll sure save on electricity, Haha. How corny am I?

I had alot of tests this week in school and I hope I did well on all of them. I also went and played with the puppies on Sunday at my sisters, which I might end up doing again tomorrow while Mom is in her class. (I really love those puppies) I better go do some homework.

SO MUCH BABY STUFF!!! and i haven't even had my baby shower yet! Gosh I am so blessed. I officially have a ton of clothes. Not enough onsies or socks or little hats but like I said, i still haven't had my baby shower. I also have 6 packs of diapers (a big pack of Ns and 5 packs of 1s) which i forgot how much I love the smell of. I have a beautiful bassinet that def needs to be put together a little better. A train crib set and john picked out a adorable baby snoopy comforter from solutions today. I love picking out baby things with him, it makes it feel like he is just as excited about our little boy as I am. I have to start going through things and finding better places for everything, because right now I can't even walk in my room. I think tomorrow morning that will be my mission. To get everything in its place (i keep saying that). Actually I think i'll get started now. (or maybe i'll just sniff the diapers some more)

What a beautiful Sunday afternoon! Yesterday I went to my nephews' basketball games and they both played extremely well. Then me and my mom went car shopping with no luck again. We went to this one car dealer and the guy was a complete idiot, treating us like we were idiots (you can imagine how well that went over with my mothers patience) we will find something eventually though. I have her car to use for the next couple days because she is going away to atlantic city for the next couple days. Tomorrow i have school and then class with Jenn, John, and Phil. And wednesday I have my 28 weeks appt which is crazt. It's going so fast. Time for spanish homework.

So it looks to me like I am going to be without a car for longer then expected. Something wrong with some pulley and its going to cost a bazillion dollars to fix. I feel like I'm 15 all over again. Depending on everyone else for pretty much everything now is just not a good feeling. I feel completely helpless, and useless and a burden on everyone I have to ask a favor of. This sucks. Hopefully things will turn around soon.

So I had a very nice day yesterday with John. We didn't do much of anything, but spending time with him was all I really wanted. We did go to lunch and during lunch John decided that the baby is going to take my last name until we get married. I am very impressed with this decision that he has made. I have to write a paper today on risky behaviors involving drugs and alcohol, which I have been putting off all week. It's just not a topic I feel I'd like to address. But I really don't think it would be a smart decision to not write the paper. But I can almost guarantee it's going to be my hardest worked on paper ever. Owell maybe I'll pay someone to write it for me. Any takers? Or maybe I can get John to write it for me. He's a very good writer. I already have the sources. UGH time for spanish.

Today I had school (my brother drove me due to the fact that my car is in the shop) i was late but not too bad. Afterwards we walked around campus and he picked up a fasfa form and made an appointment with a counselor! I haven't gone to the same school as one of my siblings in 8 years! I am very excited, I hope we get to take a class together. I also went to the movies with my new friend Chelsea. She is John's roomate I guess you could say. We've been getting to know each other lately and we've really hit it off. She's been through alot of the same stuff I have and she just gets me. It's nice to make a new friend that I can really relate to. We saw that movie valentine's day and boy was it mushy, and entirely unrealistic but cute nonetheless. I'll be 27 weeks next week. The last week of my second trimester! Pretty crazy huh? Time is really starting to fly. I had a feeling it would once I started school and getting myself busy. The baby kicks like crazyyy. I swear it's like he's training for the olympics or something. Always movvvinggg. I doubt there is any such thing as overactive but boy I sure wonder sometimes. Well that's all for now. Very tired, long day.

Another boring day stuck in the house. I have some serious cleaning that I need to do though so it won't go completely to waste. I wish I still had school though. It would be nice just to get out for a couple hours and see different faces. Owell, cleaning and relaxing will have to do.

My stomach and back muscles have been feeling like I have been doing a bajillion crunches. This has been going on for like three days now and I'm not really sure whats going on but boy does it hurt. I get uncomfortable just sitting. Sitting!? Who gets uncomfortable sitting? I just finished a paper on texting and driving, did you know it's twice as dangerous as driving legally intoxicated? Think about that next time your driving and your cell goes off. I had my solutions pregnancy class today, John wasn't able to go because he got called into work early. But I am not there alone. John's sister is also pregnant (one more month to go) and her and her husband come now. It's fun. I got a bunch of diapers and wipes today, too. I also was given this very pretty bassinet last week that has been turned into my personal clothes holder. Hhaha. Good thing I'm not having this baby anytime soon. My bedroom and surroundings are FAR from ready. My car is filthy. The trunk can't fit a stroller and it smells like dirty onions, and I can't even WALK in my room. Idk how it got so messy. It's probably due to school but I was snowed in all this weekend and didn't even THINK about touching it. I'm just going to blame it on the back ache and call it a day. I'll get around to it. Thursday. I have nothing to do except homework. And my blood test. Which I HAVE to call and make an appointment tomorrow. CRAP I'm def supposed to be at a board of education meeting right now. I really need to start making myself to do lists. Owell. That's all for now.

I'm getting very impatient. I only have 101 days to go before I'm done, give or take a couple weeks. That seems like forever. I'd give an arm and a leg just to sleep comfortably for a night. I keep waking up on my back, which makes me panic like all heck because every book I've read says that's a big fat NO NO when pregnant. Hurts the baby somehow. Plus it causes the baby to lay directly on my bladder so it feels like I really gotta go. Oh man. Only 101 more days, right? Who knew this pregnant thing could get soooo uncomfortable? Ha. It's worth it though. In 101 more days I get to meet the love of my life. We have a list of names picked out. I'm afraid to settle on something though, because what if I pick something fall inlove with it and then he turns out to look not like that name? Or what if by some crazy way that I get settled on such a cute boy name and then it turns out they're wrong and it's a girl? Could you imagine if had twins? One of each? Then i'd have to think of two names. I'd make their names rhyme, like I did to my cats. Haha. No that would be to mean. I was talking with a friend the other night. Talking about how I want to hyphenate the last name. People think I'm nuts because my last name has 11 letters in it, but I couldn't bear to have a different last name then my child, and I couldn't do it to John to not give his child his name. So whats my other option? I can make up some wacky name out of the two of our names. Van Fernakxoort. Ha. What a thought. But seriously, someone tell me, who decided that children MUST take there fathers name? Where did that tradition come from? Owell. Someones cooking.

Long boring rambling post. Woohoo!

my favorite juice evvverrr. best way to start the day when you're still walking around like a zombie and youi just cant wake up. aka exactly how i feel today. time for class. boooo..

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Soooo...

My big sister, (who is one of the best sisters anyone could ever ask for) thought it would be cool if I started blogging about my pregnancy since I have to blog anyways for my stupid computer class. Which I am in right as we speak. So here is my first post.

• I'm 25 weeks and one day
• I'm tired and cranky from a long day of school (which i am still at)
• My back has been killllllling me lately, but I took a nice bath the other day and that seemed to help, not only my aches and pains but i used this sesame oil and my dry skin stopped itching for a couple days. My mother however was concerned she was going to have to come help me out. She didn't, but the though of that kinda made me laugh.
• The baby's kicks have been getting harder and harder and harder day by day. He kicks after i eat chocolate or when i have been sitting or laying down for a while (like when i'm trying to go to bed, or when he wants me to wake up in the morning) When am i supposed to start counting kicks?
• Next thursday I have to get more blood work to test for gestational diabetes? I supposedly have to drink a sugary substance and then wait an hour and have them take my blood. Why are all these dumb pregnancy test include some sort of special instructions? (ie. Level 2 ultrasound included me drink 40oz of water and then not peeing for 4 hours!!!) I shouldn't say dumb, they're just trying to make sure me and baby are healthy, but really!

that's all for now!

My First Post.

As part of my computer class I have to start a blog. I hate blogging.