Wednesday, March 31, 2010

So yesterday was tuesday and every tuesday after school I go to John/Chelsea's and make dinner or help make dinner and we watch the child birth DVD and then watch 16&preggo (yes the boys watch with us, and enjoy it). Last night though the show hit home a little and boy was I near tears. The girl lost her father years ago and she was speaking with her mom about how'd she'd give anything to have him there, to experience everything with her. It reminded me of how much I'd give anything to have my brother here and I ended up thinking about him the rest of the night, which ended up equalling NO sleep what so ever. But I'll survive. I know if Eric was here I probably wouldn't be pregnant. Or maybe I would. Only god knows. I do know that I would give anything to be able to tell Eric I'm pregnant. To see the look on his face (the are you effing kidding me look) and to hear what he would have to say about all of it (nothing nice i'm sure). I do know he would still support me and I know he would still love me, just as much as the rest of my family. It just makes me sad that I can't share this experience with him at all. My son will never meet his Uncle Eric, and my brother Eric will never get to meet my little boy. Its the hardest thing for me to think about, and more often then not just put it to the back of my mind so I don't have to hurt as much. I feel guilty that I do not think about Eric as much as I should. But when I do it just hurts. So I try really hard not to. Sometimes its hard, other times it easy.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

i love Babies!

She kinda looks like John, is this a preview of what my baby might look like?
(with blue eyes and blonde hair of course though)
Today I'm at the real estate office working with my mom, bored as heck. I haven't really had the motivation or time to update my blog. I'm always to tired or busy. I'm 33 weeks as of today (7 weeks to go) and let me tell you, BOY am I over it! My sister-in-law (for all intense purposes) Jenn finally had HER little girl and it's making me itch to have this baby even sooner. I got to go play mommy all day yesterday and I loved every minute of it (even the crying and screaming and poopy diapers). I know it'll be different with my son, i'll be ten times more exhausted and i wont get to give him back and go home at the end of the day, but I'm still very excited. I love babies. And I KNOW I'm going to be infatuated with mine. :) John on the other hand is starting to worry me a little. His mom MADE him hold little Mckenna. It's like he's scared of her or something. Hardly goes near her or me for that matter when I'm holding her. Will that be different when it's his own son? He told me he had a dream that he picked up our baby and broke his back. I told him that he probably will have a hundred more dreams just like that until the baby comes and even worse ones when the baby is here, that he's just nervous. I have NO idea what to do.