Becoming a Mama

So yesterday was tuesday and every tuesday after school I go to John/Chelsea's and make dinner or help make dinner and we watch the child birth DVD and then watch 16&preggo (yes the boys watch with us, and enjoy it). Last night though the show hit home a little and boy was I near tears. The girl lost her father years ago and she was speaking with her mom about how'd she'd give anything to have him there, to experience everything with her. It reminded me of how much I'd give anything to have my brother here and I ended up thinking about him the rest of the night, which ended up equalling NO sleep what so ever. But I'll survive. I know if Eric was here I probably wouldn't be pregnant. Or maybe I would. Only god knows. I do know that I would give anything to be able to tell Eric I'm pregnant. To see the look on his face (the are you effing kidding me look) and to hear what he would have to say about all of it (nothing nice i'm sure). I do know he would still support me and I know he would still love me, just as much as the rest of my family. It just makes me sad that I can't share this experience with him at all. My son will never meet his Uncle Eric, and my brother Eric will never get to meet my little boy. Its the hardest thing for me to think about, and more often then not just put it to the back of my mind so I don't have to hurt as much. I feel guilty that I do not think about Eric as much as I should. But when I do it just hurts. So I try really hard not to. Sometimes its hard, other times it easy.