Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I never knew how beautiful the Poconos were! I drove up to Budd Lake with my friend (just friends ma!!) Marc yesterday to visit our other friend Jonathan ("the good Jon"). We then went over to this place called Hot Dog Johnny's for lunch and then Marc mentioned outlets and me being the girl I am said, "outlets only thirty minute further? can we go?" and apparently we ended up in Pennsylvania at the outlets in the Poconos. Best outlets EVER. Wish I actually had money, but I still had fun just window shopping and getting an idea for my birthday outfit! It was nice just getting out of town for the day, or out of the state for that matter. Being able to say I was a complete state away from John was like a relief. I'm starting to notice how little I desire to be anywhere near him anymore, and just Monday for the first time ever, I told him not to come over. I wasn't busy, I didn't have other plans. I just plain wanted nothing to do with him. And if he's going to continuously blow off his son to sit home and drink and play video games, then I don't feel guilty telling him he can't come. He's giving up the privilege to have a relationship with his son, and the opportunity to be a man and take care of his responsibilities. I am sad for Kaiden, I am. And I truely hope John comes around one day, before its too late. Because one day IT WILL be too late. I don't think he realizes that.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
so i know every doctor in the united states of america says BABIES CANNOT SLEEP ON THEIR BELLIES but that is the only way my son likes to sleep, otherwise he's a fussy cranky who will not go to sleep, what am i to do? he is just too cute. p.s. take note he officially has a little bear friend he likes to snuggle (another big no-no huh?)
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The love I have for my son is something I could never put into words. He is my life, my absolute everything. I could never imagine a day without seeing his face, and holding him close, and telling him how much I love him. I don't understand how anyone could go any amount of time willingly without seeing their child every second that they can. Today is a sad day for me. I am sad because as it seems things aren't turning out the way I hoped, but instead the way I expected. The way everyone assumed things would. What a bad day, good thing the sun is shining, and I have my baby's smile to cheer me up.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
I haven't blogged much in the past three weeks and I'm not sure if its because I truly have just been busy or because I still don't want to face what is my birthing story. Giving birth to my son was one of the craziest most intense challenges I have had to endure and I am still dealing with the after shock and trying to pick up the pieces. It all started on May 24th I was 6 days overdue and had another doctors appointment. I got to the doctor and felt like I could not breath at all. I told the nurse and they hooked me up to the non stress test machine to monitor the baby's heart rate and to see if I was having any contractions. I had already been dilated 1.5 centimeters for about two weeks and I just had a feeling today was going to be the day they sent me to the hospital. Low and behold the doctors said the baby's heart rate had dropped for about 5 minutes and it was time to go to the hospital. I called my mom and told her to meet us there (she forgot my suitcase!) and to call my sister (and my brother who then called my grandmother we had a party at the hospital). I got to the hospital and this is where the fun began. The doctor told me to get right to the hospital because she wanted me hooked right back up to the monitors and that she would call them and let them know I was coming. We got there and waited about 15 minutes for someone to finally bring me up to the floor (mind you the doctors office was about 25 minutes away so my baby has now gone about 40 minutes unmonitored)I get my gorgeous hospital gown on and get into bed. The incompetent nurse then says that she needs to take blood, sticks me about eight times in one arm and three times in the other and there was enough blood on the floor to fill about three vials but that was just the beginning. THEN she says she needs to hook me up to an IV and again begins the finding a vein game (you think she would have found the right spot when she took the blood but oh no!). I wasn't really feeling much pain but they told me if I didn't get the epidural now I pretty much couldn't get it (I'm never getting one ever again) and my stupid self listened and so they kicked every one out of the room (have I mentioned how much I HATE needles never mind one going into my SPINE) and its just me, the incompetent nurse and this little 5 foot man that hardly spoke English and looked EXACTLY like the guy that popped out of the trunk in The Hangover. It took him 4 tries and 30 minutes of me bent over my big belly killing my back to have him successfully screwup my epidural. But we wont figure this out until about 2am when the contractions really start to roll and I am feeling every single thing including the head coming down onto a cervix thats only dilated 7 centimeters. My sons head is 14 inches in diameter. You do the math. It just wasn't happening. Next thing I know, I'm getting told I need to have a c section, that I can get another epidural or be put to sleep. This is after me and the nurse arguing for about an hour about getting another epidural to ease the pain and to push along the labor. I just couldn't do it. So thats it. They knocked me out and thirty minutes later I am getting woken up by nasty nurse number 3? To ask me if John was indeed the father, after I had just told them before they put me under that he was. Then they left me, in a dark room, all by myself in complete disarray and agonizing pain. Screaming for somebody to please help me. The whole experience was not what a birth is supposed to be. Giving birth is supposed to be this amazing experience. I waited 9 month, 40 weeks for my moment to shine and I got it taken away from me. I didn't get to meet my son for an entire hour after he was born. And the first day he was born I couldn't even get up and pick him up while he was crying, I had to have someone hand him to me. This whole c section thing has really messed me up and I am very much going through a grieving process dealing with it all. It was very disheartening to have a child this way and I pray to god I don't ever have to do it again and if I do I'm not even sure I could do it again. I feel so sad about the whole thing, yes I am grateful god let my child live and let me live and made sure we were both physically healthy, but mentally this has taken a big toll on me. I think about all the celebrities and moms that have elective c sections and I just don't get WHY you would want that. A C section is a major surgery and I don't think I will ever be back to normal, why would I do this to myself on purpose. I always thought before now that they elected to have c sections as the easy way out, but if you ask me, not that I have experience in a natural birth but that seems way easier, that seems way more well, natural. I know this is something that is going to take me a long time to heal in many way, I just feel to impatient to wait.