My C Section

I haven't blogged much in the past three weeks and I'm not sure if its because I truly have just been busy or because I still don't want to face what is my birthing story. Giving birth to my son was one of the craziest most intense challenges I have had to endure and I am still dealing with the after shock and trying to pick up the pieces. It all started on May 24th I was 6 days overdue and had another doctors appointment. I got to the doctor and felt like I could not breath at all. I told the nurse and they hooked me up to the non stress test machine to monitor the baby's heart rate and to see if I was having any contractions. I had already been dilated 1.5 centimeters for about two weeks and I just had a feeling today was going to be the day they sent me to the hospital. Low and behold the doctors said the baby's heart rate had dropped for about 5 minutes and it was time to go to the hospital. I called my mom and told her to meet us there (she forgot my suitcase!) and to call my sister (and my brother who then called my grandmother we had a party at the hospital). I got to the hospital and this is where the fun began. The doctor told me to get right to the hospital because she wanted me hooked right back up to the monitors and that she would call them and let them know I was coming. We got there and waited about 15 minutes for someone to finally bring me up to the floor (mind you the doctors office was about 25 minutes away so my baby has now gone about 40 minutes unmonitored)I get my gorgeous hospital gown on and get into bed. The incompetent nurse then says that she needs to take blood, sticks me about eight times in one arm and three times in the other and there was enough blood on the floor to fill about three vials but that was just the beginning. THEN she says she needs to hook me up to an IV and again begins the finding a vein game (you think she would have found the right spot when she took the blood but oh no!). I wasn't really feeling much pain but they told me if I didn't get the epidural now I pretty much couldn't get it (I'm never getting one ever again) and my stupid self listened and so they kicked every one out of the room (have I mentioned how much I HATE needles never mind one going into my SPINE) and its just me, the incompetent nurse and this little 5 foot man that hardly spoke English and looked EXACTLY like the guy that popped out of the trunk in The Hangover. It took him 4 tries and 30 minutes of me bent over my big belly killing my back to have him successfully screwup my epidural. But we wont figure this out until about 2am when the contractions really start to roll and I am feeling every single thing including the head coming down onto a cervix thats only dilated 7 centimeters. My sons head is 14 inches in diameter. You do the math. It just wasn't happening. Next thing I know, I'm getting told I need to have a c section, that I can get another epidural or be put to sleep. This is after me and the nurse arguing for about an hour about getting another epidural to ease the pain and to push along the labor. I just couldn't do it. So thats it. They knocked me out and thirty minutes later I am getting woken up by nasty nurse number 3? To ask me if John was indeed the father, after I had just told them before they put me under that he was. Then they left me, in a dark room, all by myself in complete disarray and agonizing pain. Screaming for somebody to please help me. The whole experience was not what a birth is supposed to be. Giving birth is supposed to be this amazing experience. I waited 9 month, 40 weeks for my moment to shine and I got it taken away from me. I didn't get to meet my son for an entire hour after he was born. And the first day he was born I couldn't even get up and pick him up while he was crying, I had to have someone hand him to me. This whole c section thing has really messed me up and I am very much going through a grieving process dealing with it all. It was very disheartening to have a child this way and I pray to god I don't ever have to do it again and if I do I'm not even sure I could do it again. I feel so sad about the whole thing, yes I am grateful god let my child live and let me live and made sure we were both physically healthy, but mentally this has taken a big toll on me. I think about all the celebrities and moms that have elective c sections and I just don't get WHY you would want that. A C section is a major surgery and I don't think I will ever be back to normal, why would I do this to myself on purpose. I always thought before now that they elected to have c sections as the easy way out, but if you ask me, not that I have experience in a natural birth but that seems way easier, that seems way more well, natural. I know this is something that is going to take me a long time to heal in many way, I just feel to impatient to wait.